#idk ive had too many thoughts trying to make up excuses just bc this setup would be Hilarious lmao

[enough-spider-noir-stuff]

HAHAHAHA I LOVE THIS

As I wait for my beta to get back to me...

Okay I've never had a beta before and I love him but I'll never have a beta again bc i'm IMPATIENT but anyway I messed around with the sourceless incorrect quotes generator and I'm dying over here so. have these ig

including some things with peter as spider bc guess what! they'll also interact. yes i have three fucking fics planned

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Jean: Where did you get that tomato soup? Peter: It’s actually a bowl of ketchup I just microwaved.

Peter: What goes up but never comes down? Jean: The amount of stress you're bringing me.

Jean, shooing Peter away: Can you go be depressed over there? You’re bumming out my whole area.

Peter: Ah, Hello again. We really need to stop meeting like this. Jean: Maybe we would, if you would sTOP ILLEGALLY ENTERING MY FUCKING CRIME SCENES!!!

Peter: So I can either do something dumb that could very well get me injured or I can listen to Jean and not do the thing, Peter: Well there’s a clear right answer here. Peter: *proceeds to throw five packs of mentos into a barrel full of diet coke*

Jean: So I have made the decision to trust you. Spider: A horrible decision, really.

Peter: I'm tired. Jean: You slept for three hours last night! Why are you surprised?! Peter: I'm not surprised. I just wanted to complain about it.

Jean: They don’t make them like me no more. I’m the last of my kind. Peter: Thank god.

Spider: And then they ran into my knife. They ran into my knife ten times. Jean: You mean you stabbed them? Spider: They ran into my knife.

Jean: Do you have any idea what you’re doing? Peter: Why start now?

Peter: I love hearing Jean shouting at someone else. It makes such a nice change.

Peter, getting a full nap with a warm blanket for the first time in literal years (i WILL make it happen): You know I think my life has value. Jean: Who are you and what have you done with Peter?!

Jean: You use humor to deflect your trauma. Spider: Awww, thanks- Jean: That’s not a good thing. Spider: All I’m hearing is that you think I’m funny.

Jean, to Peter: All right, let’s tell each other a secret about ourselves. I’m going to go first– I hate you.

Jean: Why are you on fire? Spider: This is just how my day is going.

Jean: I'll offer you some friendly advice- Peter: I don't want your advice. Jean: Well, then consider it unfriendly advice, dipshit.

Jean: I've met a lot of pricks in my time, but you, Parker, are a fucking cactus.

Jean: That’s illegal, right? Peter: Why do you care? Are you a fucking cop? Jean: Kinda- Peter: Just shut the fuck up.

Jean: I should've left you on that street corner where you were standing. Peter: But ya' didn't!

Jean: Don’t go picking a fight with me. I could make your life difficult. Peter, sarcastically: Wow. I wonder what it’d be like to have a difficult life.

Kidnapper: We have your child Jean: I don’t have a child? Kidnapper: Then who just told us to fuck off and that he doesn't have time for more stupid problems? Jean: Oh god, you have Peter

Jean: Who hurt you? Peter: *snorting* What, do you want a list? Jean: ...Yes, actually.

Spider: Something’s off. Jean: Maybe you’ve finally developed human emotions and feel bad for hurting people. Spider: No, but that’s funny.

Jean: Peter, no. Peter: Peter, yes.

Peter/Spider: Treat spiders the way you want to be treated. Jean: Killed without hesitation.

[that second part would work for either tho ngl but i can't NOT have pete say the first line]

Peter: I'm bored, any suggestions? Jean: Sleeping is nice. Peter: I acknowledge your suggestion, and I’m deciding to ignore it.

Spider: It’s nice to be wanted, you know? Jean: Not by the law!

Jean: I never tell people off the bat that I'm gay. I wait. I wait until they say some homophobic shit and then I laugh and am like "you know I'm gay right?" and watch the look of terror on their face. Peter: Peter: I like you.

[Jean if he was not living in the 30s were being gay could get him fired and killed :D]

Jean: You have an impressive pain tolerance. Peter: Thanks, it's the trauma.

Jean: Where have you been all day? Peter: Oh, just dealing with things way beyond my maturity level.

Peter: Jean, I sense hostility. Jean: Good, because I hate you.

Spider being an edgy bastard: I could kill you if I wanted. Jean: Yeah? So could any other human being. So could a dog. So could a dedicated duck. You aren't special.

Jean: You're alive. Peter: No need to sound so disappointed.

Peter: You read my diary? Jean: At first I did not know it was your diary. I thought it was a very sad handwritten book.

Jean: I can't imagine what Peter is planning. But I can tell you two things. We won't like it and it won't be legal.

Jean: Ayo, what the FUCK is this?!? Spider, sitting down, surrounded by corpses: I won Mafia, that’s what.

Jean: What are you doing here? Peter: I could ask you the same question. Jean: I work here. This is my crime scene. Peter: I should probably ask you a different question.

Jean: You saved me! Why? Spider: People would think I murdered you if I didn't.

Jean: Can you pass the salt? Peter: Can you pass away? Jean: Too much salt.